on life as I didn't plan it

backing up to a year and a half ago... I was about to embark on my last semester as a college student, and one of the best journeys of my life. I was about to leave for a semester in Russia. One of my all time favorite places in the world. I was so excited, I had everything ahead of my and could do anything I wanted. Or so I thought. My 6 months in Russia were some of the best and some of the worst times in my life. There were times that were amazing. I loved the little troubles of life in Russia. (being forced to wear tapachki, prepaid cell phones, lack of a good hamburger, attempting to cook on an ancient Russian stove, fighting 10,000 other Russian students to get up the world's smallest elevator everyday for class, and many many other things) After my six months were up I was sad to leave Russia, it had become like a second home to me. I thought I was going back. I was sure that the Lord was leading me back to Russia. I was sure of it. So I applied to go to Moscow with Campus Crusade. Through some crazy change of events (a story which most of you have heard, Im sure.) I ended up on a team going to Senegal. Despite it not being what I thought I signed up for, I was totally excited. I had some AMAZING people on my team and I was stepping out on a new adventure. I thought I could make a difference in Senegal despite knowing nothing of the culture or language. Well that didn't happen either. I am in fact, not in Senegal. The money just wasn't there. I don't really know if I tried hard enough or not. I thought I was doing everything I could, but looking back, maybe not. It has been four months tomorrow since my team left for Senegal, and it was just a little over four months ago that I learned I was not going to be going with them. It has been an increadibly difficult four months for me. I struggled with the fact that I had no idea what God was wanting me to do. I was sure I was following his desire for my by going to the mission field, but then I didn't go. I put on a hard exterior telling everyone that asked that I knew that it just wasn't God's will for me to go, but inside I was a mess. Anytime I thought about it I broke down in tears, and because of that I shut out my teammates. It was the biggest mistake I could have made because despite not going with them I wanted to remain friends with them. For a while even looking at their facebook pages or seeing pictures pop up would make me upset, and still does on occasion. Don't get me wrong, I don't wallow in self pity all the time. I have a lot of things going for me here and I am thankful for them. I have an amazing boyfriend whom I love, who has supported me through all of this, several good friends I am grateful to have in my life, and a good job. I am not unhappy. This just isn't how I planned it. It isn't how I thought my life would be right now. And I struggle with that. My passion is to be overseas or be involved in all things international, and I am far removed from that right now, and I really miss it. Where do I go from here? I have no idea. I am still trying to figure that out. Theres three things that I am sure of though, one - I want to get back overseas (even for the short term) as soon as possible. two - I love the man that God has placed in my life. and three - I need to get to a place where I don't blame God for the fact that I am not in Senegal and to a place where I can truly be happy for the team down there and be totally upset every time I get an update from them (or anyone overseas). And that is something that I have needed to admit for a while. It is really hard for me when things don't go according to plan, and right now my life, for better or for worse, is really, really far from the plan that I had imagined.